Sunday, May 25, 2014

Morning Naked Weigh In - Week 29

TOM came to visit this month, so I wasn't expecting much of a loss..... and didn't get one.

Loss for the week: .2 lbs
Total loss so far: 65.8 lbs

Friday, May 16, 2014

Who Do I WANT To Be?

 Maybe it's part of getting older... or maybe it's a result of the surgery and the changes it has brought... but I find myself searching for who I AM.  Because honestly..... sometimes, I just don't know.  

 How much of my life has been wasted on "One Day...", "When I Lose Weight", "If I were skinny",  "If only".....   It feels like I've gone through life holding  down the "Pause" button, waiting for this or that to happen first.  But.... What would my life be like if there was NOTHING holding me back?   Not my weight, my self esteem, my insecurities... What if I didn't CARE what people thought of me?  What if I didn't have limitations on what I could  do.  What if I could go back to Graduation Day at high school, with my new sense of "Freedom", a little wiser than I was back then, carrying all the hope and belief that I did on that day of my future.  What would I choose to do? 

As I shed my excess pounds, I am also working on shedding all the other things that I have held on to that have kept me down. Because, let's face it, although my weight has made things more difficult for me... My weight isn't REALLY what has held me back all these years, but my own insecurities about it.  At social events I felt awkward, so I kept to myself.  I realize now that it wasn't THEM not talking to ME,  By staying off by myself, my entire body language was screaming BACK OFF.   When we went to the Lake, public pools, water parks, etc.  I could have gotten a bathing suit on and joined in. (Of course, I weighed too much for some of the water slides, but I could have joined in the Wave Pool and the Lazy River), but I was so embarrassed of my body, I refused to be seen in Public in a bathing suit.  So I wore Capri pants and a T Shirt over my swimsuit and stood around waiting at the end of each ride, sometimes for over an hour, for the my husband and kids to come out.  And it isn't my weight that has kept me from pursuing my dreams.... it's my fear of what others would think of them.   And now.... I've suppressed those dreams for SO LONG, I don't even know what they ARE anymore.