Who Do I WANT To Be?

 Maybe it's part of getting older... or maybe it's a result of the surgery and the changes it has brought... but I find myself searching for who I AM.  Because honestly..... sometimes, I just don't know.  

 How much of my life has been wasted on "One Day...", "When I Lose Weight", "If I were skinny",  "If only".....   It feels like I've gone through life holding  down the "Pause" button, waiting for this or that to happen first.  But.... What would my life be like if there was NOTHING holding me back?   Not my weight, my self esteem, my insecurities... What if I didn't CARE what people thought of me?  What if I didn't have limitations on what I could  do.  What if I could go back to Graduation Day at high school, with my new sense of "Freedom", a little wiser than I was back then, carrying all the hope and belief that I did on that day of my future.  What would I choose to do? 

As I shed my excess pounds, I am also working on shedding all the other things that I have held on to that have kept me down. Because, let's face it, although my weight has made things more difficult for me... My weight isn't REALLY what has held me back all these years, but my own insecurities about it.  At social events I felt awkward, so I kept to myself.  I realize now that it wasn't THEM not talking to ME,  By staying off by myself, my entire body language was screaming BACK OFF.   When we went to the Lake, public pools, water parks, etc.  I could have gotten a bathing suit on and joined in. (Of course, I weighed too much for some of the water slides, but I could have joined in the Wave Pool and the Lazy River), but I was so embarrassed of my body, I refused to be seen in Public in a bathing suit.  So I wore Capri pants and a T Shirt over my swimsuit and stood around waiting at the end of each ride, sometimes for over an hour, for the my husband and kids to come out.  And it isn't my weight that has kept me from pursuing my dreams.... it's my fear of what others would think of them.   And now.... I've suppressed those dreams for SO LONG, I don't even know what they ARE anymore.   

 

As my weight comes off, I'm starting to get glimpses of what life COULD be like... if I let it.  So much is changing.... not only in my body, but the way I eat and the way I think about food has changed.  I imagine a day where I've reached my goal weight, and I think about all the limitations I have had, and try to imagine them gone.  I try to imagine myself going to the water park with the kids, and actually getting on the rides.  I imagine myself going to the movies with the family, and not worry about fitting in the seats or not being able to get out because I'm too big to squeeze down a packed aisle.  I imagine getting on an airplane, and fitting comfortably in the seat.  I imagine going to New York or DC and hitting up all the museums and not feel like I'm dying the whole way, pissed at the world because everything hurts, and the walk in between the museums seem SO LONG. (This happened a few years ago).  I imagine nights of camping, and going out on a boat all day at the Lake, and ALL those other activities I always thought I was "too big" for.

I'm also questioning careers, and I've started looking at job postings.  I'm working now, but the company has been going through financial difficulty and I worry about it going under.  As I look at these jobs, I can't help but ask myself..... What do I REALLY want to do? I got married right out of high school, and had a baby a little over a year later...  I was always a stay at home mom, and other than going to school and getting my Associates Degree, I was never career minded.  Every thought and energy spent  was with the kids in mind.  But my kids are older and I'm in the workforce now, and for the first time, I'm starting to focus a little on my self.  What career path can I choose that will allow me to grow?  When I first started working and had to go to interviews I was so ashamed about my size, I always felt like they would judge me, and my weight would reflect a lack of self control.  I felt hindered and limited on what jobs I would be eligible for.  So now that I'm working on shedding all my fears and negativity (I'm still a work in progress) I'm consumed thinking about what Do I want to do? What CAN I do?  Who Am I?  For the first time since high school...... I'm beginning to dream once again.