Friday, July 30, 2010

I LOATHE Public Pools

My husband wants to take the kids to the local public pool tomorrow.  He has taken them before and they had a blast.  It is great for the younger ones, because it has a Dragon Bridge they have to climb across, and it is has diving boards for the oldest kids.

He is wanting to take our 4 plus friends. It would be 8 kids in all.  With that many kids, he is going to need help.  Last time he took the kids I stayed home and worked on Cheer stuff. But I don't see myself getting out of this one.

I would really love to go.  It looked like a lot of fun.  But I LOATHE public pools.  I do not like getting out in my Bathing Suit in public places.  I have just started going into the lake.  Before I was always the idiotic woman at the lake, sitting in the lawn chair, in JEANS (because I do not wear shorts in public either) sweating rivers, watching everyone else have fun.

I made myself go into the water at the lake this year, because I reminded myself that it was for the kids.  They enjoy having me participate, and I think they feel bad when I sit out and just watch.  And let's face it..... the Lake area where we go, there is not a whole lot of bathing beauties strutting around with their perfect bodies in their skimpy bikinis.  Nearly everyone there has some weight/body issues happening... I just happen to be a little worse.

I found that once I focus on the kids, and push all thoughts of my looks, insecurities, etc. out of my mind, I have fun there!  Now if I could just do this at the public pool.  I have gone to a public pool before.  We went to Schlitterbahn 2 years ago, and I wore a bathing suit top and shorts over my bottoms.  I never quite got over my insecurities though.  I didn't get on a single ride.  I stayed with Emily in the kiddie pool the entire time, ensuring everyone that I was fine, and for them to go have fun.

Maybe if I had a better bathing suit it would help.  I need to get a new one, but to find a plus size bathing suit in my size that covers all the areas that I need it to, but still look decent is expensive.  And I just haven't had the money lately to go get another suit.  The bathing suit I have now is the boy type shorts on the bottom and then a halter type top.  But the top keeps riding up, showing my stomach, and I have to wear shorts to feel somewhat comfortable.

If we wind up going tomorrow, I will really really try to focus on the kids.  To keep telling myself "screw what others think" I'm not here to impress anyone.  I'm here for my kids, and that is all that matters....

I weigh WHAT?!!

My husband swears up and down I have lost weight.  He says he can really tell a difference, especially in my arms.  

I don't see it.   I look exactly the same as I did before.  I think.

But there is really no way to tell.   You see, I avoid scales like the plague.  When I go to the doctors office I turn my head so I can't see the numbers, and say a silent prayer that they don't announce my weight.  I guess they take the hint because most of the time, they don't. 

I own a scale.  It's still at the other house, waiting to be moved over to the new one, but even if it were here, I don't know if I have the courage to step on it.  

For years, I have watched the scale go up.  And up.  And up some more.  A few times in my adult life, I was able to see the scale go down, but it never lasts.  Twice I hit 200, and then sabotaged myself over the weekend. And then it steadily climbed back up.   Just once I would like the number to go below 200.  

I then went several years without weighing myself at all.  Ignorance, unfortunately is not bliss.  You can only ignore the numbers for so long before they slap you upside the head.  After several years of not knowing, when I found out just how much the scale had gone up, I was not prepared.  I was Shocked. Dumbfounded. Ashamed.

I have a long road ahead of me before I drop below 200.  

I think it's about time though, that I started that journey. 

Monday, July 26, 2010


I am so sore.  

Saturday I worked on Cheers all afternoon.  My husband took the kids to a waterpark and I stayed home.  I  practiced the cheer dance  I will have to teach our squad, and I also worked on making up movements to some of the chants.  

By that evening I was getting sore, and the next morning, I had sore muscles that I didn't know existed.  Who knew that it would be such a workout?  My legs, my butt, my stomache, my sides, and shoulders, and my arms are all feeling the burn.

Here it is 2 days later, and I am still feeling it.  That's good right? 

We plan on going swimming later, and then I have to coach cheer practice tonight.   I did not work on cheers yesterday, although I should have.  Apparently, the way my body feels, I need to work on them everyday. They seem to be great at working out all my muscles.  

Once again........ I am so happy for the changes that the decision to coach has brought out in me.  I am making new friends, I'm sharing something special with my daughter, I'm feeling better about myself, and I am definately up off the couch and more active now.  

And I'm loving every minute of it.  

Friday, July 23, 2010

Me - Dressed As A Stuffed Sausage

Yesterday's Cheer Practice went sooo much better!

I participated quite a bit more. E showed the girls (and other coaches) the cheer we made up, and everyone really liked it. (sigh of relief).

So......I had to teach it to everyone. It felt really good. We always face away from the parents, so I just kept my back to them, focused on what I was doing, and didn't allow myself to think about what anyone else might be thinking.

The girls were excited to learn the cheer, and those that had experience picked it up fairly quick. E was eating up the attention showing the other girls "our" cheer.

The practice session flew by, and I had a lot of fun. I didn't just stand around this time, and finally felt that I was really contributing to the team. I felt WONDERFUL and very proud of myself for overcoming my own inhibitions.......

And then a fellow coach brought out the Coach's shirts we had ordered. They are Women's Jersey style shirts with mesh at the bottom. I ordered the XXL, and just by looking at it, I knew it wouldn't fit. I felt the early stages of panic. I had ordered the largest size they had, and an XXL is usually what I wear.

I wasn't the only one that thought their shirt looked small which made me feel a little better.
I took the shirt home with me and into the kids bathroom to try it on. As soon as I got it over my head and my arms through, I knew it was going to be tight, but I thought maybe it will just be form fitting....

And form fitting it was!! So much so that I looked like a stuffed sausage. My arms refused to go down at my sides and instead poked out like the little brother dressed in all the coats on "A Christmas Story". (I will admit though, it made my boobs look awesome).

It was so tight, in fact, I had to get my oldest daughter to come in and help me out of it. (This of course after she, and her friend, finally stopped laughing and no longer threatened to take pictures of me.)

My good self vibes about myself quickly diminished. All other coaches said their shirts fit, but was very form fitting. I was hoping at least one other would not fit into theirs. I showed my husband the shirt and he said immediately there was no way that was an XXL. He asked if it was a child's shirt. My 15yr old son tried it on, and it fit him how I wanted it to fit me. Just slightly big.

I'm really hoping I'm not going to be the only Coach wearing a different shirt than the rest of them. I know they are all wanting to find something a little bit larger. I have no choice though.

Unless they want me to be the sideline comedy act.....

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Am I Really Cut Out For This?

Yesterdays cheer practice went pretty well........ for the girls. Not so much for me.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel uncomfortable during the practice. In the beginning I was so excited, and I had so many plans and ideas of how it would go.......and lots of fears too.

The fears, unfortunately, proved to be more accurate than the plans and ideas. After most of the girls arrived, we got them together and had them start their stretches. 2 of the other 4 coaches were there (the fourth had not arrived yet) and both of them got on the ground with them to do their stretches.

I panicked. I honestly didn't know if I could even do the stretches... and I could just picture myself on the ground struggling to do them and then not being able to get up. Yet again, I was struck with just how much my weight hinders my everyday life. I can't sit comfortably on the ground due to a pain I get in my tailbone (I really need to get it checked out. Something is wrong, and I get sharp pains, and can feel what I am assuming are bones rubbing together). Not only that but my legs are too fat to sit Indian Style. I always have to stretch one leg out and only bend one leg at a time.

So instead, I went over and grabbed my notebook and shuffled through papers, pretending to be busy looking over notes and forms.

My next drawback came when we were instructing the girls on doing the cheers. We broke them into two groups. One group to assess which girl can do what...ex. backbends, forward rolls, cartwheels, roundoffs, splits, etc. And the other group we began teaching them cheers. I was with the "cheer" group.

All parents sat around watching, some sitting in the grass Indian Style, some in their chairs they brought, and I felt that all eyes were on me judging. I felt inadequate, and was too embarrassed and timid to help demonstrate the cheer. The other coach did not ask me to, but it would have been nice had I HELPED, instead of standing there like a bump on a log. I made a few comments such as wrong leg, turn the other way, etc.

Another problem I had was remembering girls names. My short term memory apparently is horrible. I seemed to be the only coach really struggling with keeping up with the new girls name. So when I wanted to make a correction or suggestion to help out, I couldn't remember the girl I needed to address to get her attention. Rather than saying "Hey! Girl in the green shorts...", I did nothing.

I know that it is my own inhibitions keeping me from doing this. But standing there, I imagined every one watching was wondering why in the world I was even selected as a coach. These thoughts increased my anxiety, and I began to feel like I had made a huge, horrible, disastrous mistake. What had I been thinking? What made me think I was cut out for this? That I could even contemplate that I COULD do this?

I'm sure I made an EXCELLENT impression on the other coaches.

After I got home I practiced the cheers we learned, and I'm going to have E teach me the other ones. I have seen them done before, but not ever being required to learn them, I didn't. I will work everyday on learning the cheers and moves. I'm sure I'll look hilarious out there doing the cheers with all my blubber, but I'm going to have to force myself not to think of that. To remind myself not to worry about what others think.

I may not look like a cheerleading coach, but I sure as hell am going to start acting like one....

Monday, July 19, 2010

Ready - Set - CHEER!

Tomorrow is the first day of Cheer Practice for this season, and my first practice as a Coach instead of sitting on the side watching.  I am both nervous and excited.  

I'm nervous about how the Parents will view me.  Will I be judged because of my size?  I know standing out there I will feel that all eyes are on me, and I usually try to avoid any kind of attention on myself.  

But I'm also really excited.  It is something I get to do with my daughter, and I get to be a part of something.  I feel like I'm finally getting off the sidelines and beginning to LIVE my life.  

I have a long way to go, and my eating hasn't improved much.  Still making poor choices at times, and not eating as often as I should.  Most days it is still just once a day, but I'm working on improving that.  I did buy several things of yogurt so that atleast I can eat yogurt for breakfast. 

I didn't buy any ice-cream at the grocery store, or any ingredients to make cookies.  We will be celebrating my oldest daughters 14th birthday this weekend.  I know I will eat cake and ice-cream, but not having it here during the week is a start.  

All in all I am feeling pretty good.  
and that is a rare thing.  It's amazing how much one incident can change my attitude.  I WANT to eat healthier now.  I WANT to get out and "move" more.  I WANT to do everything possible to get the scale to go down instead of up for a change.  

Even my "assertiveness" has changed.  When I got volunteered by a friend ("J") to coach, they had just found out they needed to add another coach because the squad would be split into two teams this year.  "J" and the two other coaches had coached together for 2 years previously and did not want to add another coach.  When they found out they had to, "J" volunteered me.  I think, knowing me, she thought I would just be a silent person to "help" and would not try to come in and make changes, etc.

Because of problems having the squad split was going to cause for competition "J" decided to drop out.  I met with the other two coaches and they both seemed genuinely pleased I was going to be coaching.  They asked if I could take charge of the 3rd grade squad for the games along with another assistant coach.  I agreed to. I was relieved to find that they asked my opinion on things, and listened to what I had to say.  

I was very nervous at first, because I have really never been one to take much initiative with anything.  I have always thought that someday "when I lose weight" it would be something I would like to do.  Since agreeing I have made several suggestions that they all liked and have implemented into the "Plan".   

I am not just a silent partner.  I'm actively involved, and it feels SO GOOD! 

I'm liking this new me so far.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Feel The Burn!!

Today I took the kids swimming at my mom's and my 13 year old and I "ran" laps around the pool. My legs and butt were BURNING! I'm sure I will be sore tomorrow. In addition to "running" laps around the pool, I also did a few swimming laps alternating between concentrating on using my legs and then my arms.

In the pool I can work past the initial burn. Why can't I do that at other times?

Maybe it's because I love swimming, and being in the water, I don't get hot. I have never been the "outdoor" type. I really wish we had a pool in our backyard. I would be in there everyday. We plan on getting one, but it will probably be next year before we are able to.

Before we went swimming I did help my husband outside in the yard a little. We moved over the dog pen towards the back of the property, then I helped him load a big tub full of the the dried dirt he had dug up over the weekend, and helped carry the tub over to be distributed elsewhere on the property. While it wasn't much, I did work up a pretty good sweat.

Of course, just walking outside in this heat and humidity, works up a sweat. But all though I did not do much and hated every minute of it while doing it......... it did feel good afterwards to have done some yard work. I can totally understand why my mom loves gardening so much. I look forward to getting our landscaping work started.

Last Sunday I actually got outside and mowed some. I started off feeling great.....I had been telling myself for awhile I needed to get out there and push the mower around, as it would be good exercise for me. I was not counting, however, on how HOT it was and how OUT OF SHAPE I am! I went for as long as I could, but then had to sit and take a break. My legs felt weak and my chest was beginning to hurt. I sat for a while catching my breath, and then went back out to mow some more. I did one less lap before having to stop to rest again. That time I grabbed some water, then went back out, and did 2 laps before stopping.

By that time my 15 year old son came out and said it was his turn, he was taking over for me. He of course had no problems pushing the mower and got a whole lot more done a lot faster than I did. While mowing, I was very close to tears. I felt like I was having to really push myself just to get done what little bit I did. But...... I will be back out there soon to try again. One day, if I persist, I will be able finish.

I have found that when doing something that I don't enjoy, I work much better when I have an attainable goal to work towards. When I mow I designate a small section and tell myself as soon as that section is done I can take a break. And right now, those sections are very small. I am just way too out of shape right now. But I know the more often I get out and DO it, the more I will be able to do at a time. Having something to work towards, where you can see the results of your hard work, really helps me.
My weight loss goals reflect this. I am starting out with very small "quick result" goals.

All in all, lately I have felt good about the amount of "work" I have been doing. I am seriously considering ordering an exercise video through Amazon. I saw one that does Latin type dances. I think I would do much better with a "dance" then the typical "aerobics".

Now if I could just stay out of the ice-cream.........

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

It's Official! I'm Going To Be A Cheer Coach This Year!

It's official now.....I'm going to be a Cheer Coach this year for my daughters squad!   I am so excited, but also really nervous.  I always imagined one day......when I have lost weight...... that I would like to be a coach, but I always felt my weight would be an issue.  My weight is always is an issue..... for me.
It's really not my weight holding me back. It's me.  
I entered the meeting tonight with the other coaches a little apprehensive on how they would feel about me coaching.  I was nominated by a coach that has since resigned, and I had not heard from the other two coaches.  But they were both really nice, asked for my thoughts and opinions, and seemed genuinely pleased that I was joining them.
I am hoping this will be just one more motivator for me to get busy and actively do something to get this weight off.   If all goes well this year, then I will definately put in to be a Coach next year.  I really don't want to be the "Fat Coach".

Wish me luck!!