Floor... Please Swallow Me NOW

I'm sure we've all experienced it before.  

A comment made to us or about us, that although meant in all innocence.

cuts us deeply.

This happened to me today in Walmart.  

Oh, I can remember a time, not too long ago, when this happened to me quite often.

ANY mention of my weight would bring on the tears and humiliation. 

For awhile my husband walked on eggshells tiptoeing around the subject of ANYONE's weight, 

afraid I might take offense and break out into tears.  

He even tried to refrain the kids from saying the word "fat" in front of me..... regardless of who or what they were talking about. 

 but if they ever mentioned the "F" word around me,

from the corner of my eye I would see him motioning silently to them 

or giving them the stink eye, then he would act all innocent when I caught him doing it.  

So I started talking about my weight.  

I started making comments, so that my family would be at ease discussing weight issues in front of me.  

Over time, it no longer hurt if something was said. 

I even began making jokes about my weight to my friends, 

maybe trying to say something before anyone else could....

and eventually, I could even laugh along with everyone else at my own expense.  

But my Weight isn't my only issue.  

I'm also losing my hair.  

My once THICK hair has gotten very thin on top. 

It started about 8 years ago, and over time it has not gotten any better.  

I'm on thyroid medicine (and have been for a while now) and I'm also on iron pills, because I'm anemic. 

I hope this stops my hair loss, but I really don't think anything will make it grow back.  

I think all I can hope for is that it doesn't continue.  

As far as I know, it doesn't run in my family....I've checked with everyone, so I'm fervently hoping we will find out what is causing this and STOP it. 

This is something that I am VERY self conscious about.  

And when it's mentioned, like by my hair dresser, I get extremely embarrassed. 

Today, while I was checking out at Walmart, I had to hand over my license for verification.

The cashier, an older gentleman, stared at my license......

looked at me......

stared at my license some more.......

looked at me...... 

then back at my license. 

While staring at my license, he asked:

"Did you have hairplugs"? 

If only the ground could have opened up and swallowed me at that moment, 

I wanted to just leave everything and walk run away. 

But he was still holding my license. 

I could feel the blood rush into my cheeks as they heated up in embarrassment. 

I knew I should just laugh it off and make a joke to show that his comment didn't effect me. 

But it did. 

And the hurt I felt with such a deep shame made joking impossible.  

So I did what I've been SO GOOD at my entire life.  

I buried the hurt. I buried the shame.  And played stupid. 

I smiled real big, and pretended I didn't understand what he said,

PRAYING he wouldn't repeat his question.  

He didn't.

He said "Never mind" then continued checking me out. 

I surreptitiously glanced to my left to see if the people behind me overheard. 

It appeared they had..... 

After I was done checking out, I walked out of Walmart with my head held high. 

I got to my truck in somewhat of a daze, unloaded the groceries into the back of the truck,  parked the basket, then got in the drivers seat.  

And sat for a few minutes replaying what had happened in the store.  

And as waves of shame hit me, I cried.  

In the Walmart parking lot, my soul was laid bare...

and I couldn't stop crying.