I Suck As a Tooth Fairy

I do not have a great record as a tooth fairy.  

It's not horrible...... but it's not perfect.  

Last night was no exception.  

My son came out of the bathroom
after taking his shower, 

and showed me the tooth he had just lost.  

I said "Wow! You'll have to be sure and put that under your pillow".  

He left mumbling something about hoping the tooth fairy 

would leave him a $20 bill.
(YEAH RIGHT!!! )  

The night before, My daughter had a friend spend the night, 

and my husband had set up
a small tent in the living room
so the girls could "camp out". 

 Earlier that day I had told the kids
they could sleep in the tent that night. 

NOT realizing the tooth fairy would 

be CRAWLING her fat ass
in there to retrieve a tooth.

  So when they crawled in there to sleep, 

my son was sleeping on the outside 

closest to the tent opening. 

which was a good thing, 

because it would make it
a lot easier to get his tooth.

   I went to bed,
and FORGOT to set my alarm 

to wake myself in the middle of the night
for the big tooth swap.

Years previous,
I forgot ALL about the darn tooth, 

and whichever child it was
(I can't remember now)

woke to find their tooth
still under their pillow.  

So the next night,
the tooth fairy left a note 

apologizing, and explaining
that she had been very busy,
and gotten tied up in another country.......  

But..... back to this year's fail...

Thankfully, I woke up as I have been

for the past several nights at 3:30 am.  

I got up to Pee,
then crawled back into bed.

As I was lying there, 

it dawned on me
that I was on Fairy duty.  

I had meant to Wake up my husband
and ask him  if he had any cash
on him before he left for work.
I didn't.

CRAP!! 

So I look in my purse.  

I find 2 quarters
and a bunch of other change.

  CRAP.  

I start going through the house 

looking for quarters or SOMETHING 

I can give this poor child.   

MEANWHILE
he is in the LIVING ROOM

which makes hunting for quarters

it a little more difficult.  

I finally find one quarter
on top of the dryer that

I had pulled out of my husband's
pocket on Friday.

But try as I might, 

I could not find another dang quarter.

ANYWHERE!  

So I finally decided
to just give him 3 quarters

2 nickels and a dime.

(Long shot from $20.00) : (  

Had I KNOWN
his tooth was loose in the first place, 

I would have carried cash
on me in preparation........ 

Anyway.... I put the change
in a ziplock baggie, 

and hold it by the coins
so it doesn't jingle. 

I creep back over to the tent...

  

I should stop and mention here, 

that some time in the night, 

my daughter got out of the tent, 

and crawled into bed with me.
So it was just my son in there.

YAY!

LUCKILY the flap was open,
and not zipped close.
BUT......
he had slid way over
to the far end of the tent.
The tent is not large.....
but I still had to get halfway
inside to reach him. 
So I slowly start to get in,
trying to think of a good excuse as to
WHY IN THE WORLD I'M CLIMBING
INTO THIS TENT WITH HIM
just incase he wakes up.
An "I just wanted to see
what it was like...........??? "
wasn't going to work.
He's smarter than that!

  So..... I put one foot inside the tent.

<crinkle crinkle>
(plastic at the bottom of tent making noise).

I stop and sit still for several moments.
  Coast is clear.... He stays asleep.
I lean in farther,
inching my feet forward in small hops

<crinkle crinkle>

My son moans in his sleep.
  I freeze.
I'm squatting down like a damn frog
and my thighs start burning,
because yes.... I am still too fat to squat
 like that for long periods comfortably.
  But if I get on my knees
I will make even more noise.

  He doesn't wake up.
  So I inch a little bit more inside.
  My son starts moving around
and rolls over towards me.
I just manage to back out of the tent
without waking him up and then
I make a hasty retreat to the bedroom.

  I wait about 5 minutes.......
and go back to try again.
  At this point
my son is lying on his back
with both arms up by his head.
This time I  EVER SO SLOWLY
manage to get far enough inside
to start reaching under his pillow.
  He is all over it,
so I'm blindly feeling around
as gently as I can,
sliding my hand SLOWLY up and down.

  I can not find the tooth,
but I can't quite reach far enough
to the other side of the pillow.
  My son starts to make noises again
and acts like he's going to wake up.
So I slink away.
Again.
  I get back to my bed
deciding to wait an hour
before attempting the swap again.

And realize I left the tooth in the tent!

CRAP!!

I go back to get it and find my son
has rolled over on top of it.
  His head is laying on a corner of the bag.

Well, Hell!!

  Luckily, all the change was gathered
in the other corner.
So now he has the money..... and the tooth!

  CRAP!!!!

I try to gently ease
the bag away from his head.
  Naturally..... he wakes up.

He pops up, rubbing his eyes.
  I manage to slip the bag
under the pillow
as he was rubbing his eyes,
and then told him to lay back down,
that I was just covering him up.

Phew!! Disaster Averted.


  I had been sending
my husband texts about it......
and after I got back to my room,
I saw he had texted back
telling me to wake him up
and tell him to go the bathroom.
  Which would have worked great
if he was younger and still wetting the bed
But he is 11 now,
and has long since outgrown that.

.  BUT......

It did give me an idea.
  I told my husband he was a GENIUS
then, went to wake up my son.
  I told him to go get a drink,
because he was coughing
and moaning in his sleep,
(partly true)
and water might help.

  He got up and went to the kitchen,
which is kind of open to the living room
I joined him in the kitchen.
  After he got his drink,
I told him to go use the restroom
then get back into bed.

  He headed to the bathroom
and as soon as i heard the door close,
I raced to the tent,
threw back the pillow,
AND THERE IS NO TOOTH!!!!!!

CRAP!!!!

Then I remember.....
he originally went to sleep on the pillow
closest to the tent flap.

ALL OF THAT WORK,
AND I COULD HAVE
SIMPLY REACHED IN
TO THE VACANT PILLOW
AND PERFORMED THE EXCHANGE.

GRRRRRR....

So I lift the other pillow,
SURE ENOUGH, there is the tooth,
I grab the tooth, move the money,
and then walk back into the kitchen.

  I kissed my son good night
on his way back through,
then walked to my own bed
with his tooth stuffed in my panties.
  because naturally,
I didn't think to put on pants
or something with a POCKET.

Ugh.