The Road To Obesity

I’ve been Fat for 20 years.

20 YEARS.

That’s HALF my life!! I just turned 39 in October.

Senior year, 1993, I weighed a whopping 109 pounds. 

I graduated in May and married my high school boyfriend that July.

As soon as we got married I started putting on weight.  

6 months after we married, I found out I was pregnant.

I was 19.

I BALLOONED during my pregnancy, 

gaining a LOT of weight.

I thought it was temporary and in no time

I would be back to my pre-pregnancy weight.

But…14 months after my son was born, 

I was still at 170lbs , and discovered I was pregnant again.

With that pregnancy I only gained 30 pounds,

putting me at 200 pounds exact when I was 

admitted for labor and delivery.

I lost 15 of those pounds after my daughter was born.

A year later, after just four years of marriage,

my husband left me,

 one month after my daughter turned ONE and

9 days shy of my son’s 3rd birthday.

After my divorce, I lost around 30 pounds, 

putting me at 155. I fluctuated there for a while.

A little over a year later I met and then married 

my current husband, and the love of my life.

While pregnant with my Third child, another son, 

I once again BALLOONED,

putting on a lot of weight. 

After he was born, I stayed right around 230lbs,

During my fourth and FINAL pregnancy, (another girl),

I  gained little and ended the pregnancy weighing

exactly the same as I did before carrying her, 

but WEARING a size larger.

From 2002 to 2007 I had many, 

many failed diet attempts.

 At one time, on the Atkins Diet

 I got down to 200 pounds even.

I weighed on that Friday, 

and then over the weekend I got off track

on the diet, and GAINED.  

A couple of weeks later, 

I once again got down to 200 but  then I stalled, 

and never seemed to have the same success as before.

With the scale not moving, 

It was harder to stay strict and on plan.

  I then very rapidly gained back all the weight

 I had lost plus some.

I joined a gym and started working out

 but the weight just did not want to budge.

I worked out every day for a while, 

but eventually had to quit the gym due to a hernia surgery I had.

In 2007 I decided to have the Lap Band procedure

 done after talking to some women at work that had gotten it. 

I had complications with my port,

and had to go in for a second surgery. 

I never lost much weight with the lap band,

and I had trouble eating almost everything.  

No matter how small of bites I took, the food got stuck.

Sometimes after eating I threw up right away, and other times,

it took a while as my saliva would build up in my pouch

and start coming up.

 I never lost much weight with the band,

  and stayed constantly hungry.

Eventually, I began to gain again.  

I finally just had all the fluid taken out.

During those years, at one point 

I remember thinking that I was

fat, would always be fat, and that is just who I am.

Over the years my weight just kept getting higher and higher.

In 2011 I finally found a diet that worked for me.

I started Medifast and in 8 months, I lost 85 pounds.

I felt great.  FINALLY, I had found something that worked for me!

But the diet is very expensive, and due to financial reasons

I could not afford to stay on the plan.

From August 2011 to October 2012 I slowly gained back

50 of the 85lbs lost.  Then in October 2012, I went back to

work after being a stay at home mom for MANY years.

I thought going back to work would be better, having

more control over what and when I ate. 

After all, I could only eat what I brought with me.

Every day for lunch I ate a sandwich, no chips.

Sometimes I brought fruit 

(grapes, cantaloupe, honey dew melon, etc.)

or carrot sticks to snack on.  

I did good.

But….. with working, and my daughters cheer, it was always

LATE before I would be able to eat dinner.  

I was usually starving by the time I got home,

 and everyone else has already eaten. 

So I ate things that were quick and easy.

I didn't eat large amounts, 

but my evening choices weren’t always the healthiest.

The weight started piling on.

 I never thought in a million years

 I would ever let myself get to the point I reached.

I felt defeated. 

THEN…. 

My Dirty Little "Not So" Secret

It's been nearly a YEAR since my last post on here!

SHAMEFUL!!!

A lot has happened over the past year. 

And as I'm sure, many have guessed,

I gained ALL My weight back PLUS some!! 

I started blogging again this past September, 

but had decided to try starting a whole new Blog. 

Why?? I wanted complete anonymity.

One that was not linked with my personal email address,

or have my real name anywhere on it. 

Why??

I feel like my obesity is my dirty little secret

I try to keep hidden.

Obviously, those that know me personally and 

see my on a regular basis, know of it.

But there are those I went to school with

that don't know.

And I have always tried to be so very

careful of who takes pictures of me,

 TERRIFIED I will be "outed" 

and get tagged in a photo on facebook.

The only photos I have posted of myself

are Face shots from when I did lose weight. 

And then last May at my son's graduation, 

One of my ex-sister in law's, and former Best Friend

in High School posted a picture of me with her and 

her sister and tagged me in it titled "Together Again".

And even though I did not accept the tag, avoiding

it being posted on my wall, ALL those mutual friends that

we went to school with saw that picture on her wall.

One of my former classmates sent me a private

message on Facebook asking if I was pregnant.

I was humiliated.

I messaged back with 

"No....I've just gotten really fat".

He wrote back that he wasn't trying to be

rude, that he was just surprised because
I was never like that in high school.

I felt so exposed.

My "not so secret", secret was out. 

And now I have another Secret...

17 Years of Shame Come To An End.

I am only 2 pounds away from 

reaching my 50lbs LOST goal!

The time has flown by so fast!

I began my weight loss journey

on January 3rd. 

A New Year....

A New Me.

I can't believe how far I have come

in such a short time. 

And I'm not referring

to just pounds.

I still have a long ways to go....

I need to lose another 105 pounds 

before I reach my goal....

Block Party -

This past weekend I went to a Block Party that a friend was having.  Everyone went down to the community pool and swam with the children...... everyone that is, except me..  
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I sat out, not even wearing a swimsuit there, because I was too ashamed.  So I sat in a chair, in the shade, in my jeans and t-shirt watching all the others swim.  My husband encouraged me to go back home and grab my suit and swim with everyone, but I refused, insisting that NO ONE wanted to see me in a swimsuit.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn't want to be the one that everyone whispered about (not that they actually would have), but I just knew that if I went swimming, or had my swimsuit on, they would laugh, and point, and whisper...... So instead, I was the one everyone was looking at pointing to and probably whispering about  because  I am sure I seemed anti-social.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And I was struck once again this weekend of how much I want to lose weight.  How much my weight has been hindering my life. How MUCH  I am missing out on because of MYSELF.   MY weight, MY insecurities, MY low self-esteem, MY issues.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I need to change........ I'm Ready for a change. 

Mirrors Never Lie

Mirrors Never Lie

I’m fat.....really fat.  Actually, I am morbidly obese.  I know this.... It is knowledge that I live with every day, and something that I can’t forget. I never realize just HOW fat I am though, until I catch a glimpse of my reflection at unexpected moments, or see a photograph of myself someone has taken.  I don’t even recognize the person I see anymore......

Everyday while brushing my teeth, putting on make-up, or fixing my hair, I see myself in the mirror.  But I have developed a habit of looking only at my eyes......only at my teeth.....only at my hair..... I don’t see the “big” picture. Literally.  I can sometimes fool myself into thinking I’m not THAT bad until I am caught off guard.  Mirrors never lie. It is only at random unexpected moments that I catch a true glimpse of myself..... in the television when the screen goes dark between commercials, walking down the mirror aisle at Walmart or Garden Ridge, or a photograph someone has managed to sneak of me or convinced me to pose for.  

And I’m ashamed

 I’m ashamed of my appearance, I’m ashamed of how much I have “let myself go”. I’m ashamed of who I have become. 

In high school I was always thin.  The beginning of my Senior year I weighed 109 lbs. soaking wet. I’ve never been a size 0 or 1, but I did stay within the size 3 to 5 range.  My weight has always been something I worried over, even when I was thin.  I use to study myself in the mirror, judging my body.  I always felt my thighs were too large, my arms not toned enough, my stomach not flat enough.... now I would give anything to look like that again. 

I can remember when I was in high school, it was almost a contest, who could eat less.  I would pick at my food, then claim to be stuffed. I even flirted with Bulimia, making myself throw up after eating a meal “because I ate too much”, though I never binged. I survived off one meal a day, and I usually didn’t eat much of whatever was being served.  Only occasionally, would I get seconds if it was something very tasty.  

At my Dad’s house there was no “snack foods”.  We drank Iced Tea or Water... no Soda’s.  I didn’t eat ice-cream, or candy, or chips.  There was no eating in between meals.  If you wanted breakfast, you had to wake up very early to get it, and I have never been an early riser. If I wanted any spending money for the weekends, I had to save my lunch money.  Lunches were $1.50 a day, and I was only given $5.00 a week. Once I started working, I no longer received lunch money.  At dinner, if you didn’t like what was being served..... too bad, you just hoped that something better would be served tomorrow.  

I got married at 18, shortly after I graduated.  My husband at the time grew up in a house that always had snacks and sweets....... ice cream, cookies, chips, soft drinks... and he expected it at our house as well.  Suddenly I was able to snack in between meals, I drank soda’s all the time, and I ate 3 meals a day.  Like a kid in the candy store, I tried everything we had, and loaded up on the “goodies” when getting groceries.  I think a large part of my snacking was because the marriage was very stressful.  We were both really young, and he still wanted to stay out all night with his friends until 4:00 in the morning.  I thought he should come home every night.  There were many sleepless nights, waiting for him.  Almost immediately I began to put on weight.

After six months of marriage I got pregnant with my first child.  When I went to my first Doctor’s visit I was shocked to realize I had put on 50 pounds in that first six months of marriage.  I gained another 25 pounds during my pregnancy, which resulted in a 75 pound weight gain within a year! After my first child was born, I just assumed the “baby weight” would fall off........ it didn’t.  23 months later my second child was born.  I only put on 30 pounds with her, but kept most of it after she was born.  A year later, my first husband left, and we divorced.  During the divorce I walked on the treadmill everyday, and really watched what I ate.  The pounds, however, stayed on.  It wasn’t until after I finally accepted that “this was happening” and that I wanted the divorce too, before I started to see results.  I lost 35 pounds fairly quickly after that.  

Being a single mother was stressful financially.  As the stress piled on, my weight loss slowed, then stopped.  I didn’t put on any extra weight, but I wasn’t losing it either.  A year after my divorce was final I met and married my husband now.  When I was pregnant with our son, once again I packed on the pounds...gaining 85 pounds! I kept it all.  When my fourth child was born, I gained very little during her pregnancy, and lost all the pounds I had gained with her, but I remained a size larger than before I had her.  I’ve been obese ever since.    

I started blogging this past year, and have really enjoyed it.  While I blog about many different topics, and am open in each one, I never blog about my weight gain, or struggle with obesity.  I am too ashamed.  I don’t want anyone I knew from school reading it, knowing I have done this to myself.  I am very careful not to post any pictures that really show my size on Facebook, and I am leery about letting others take a photo of me, so afraid it will be tagged on Facebook.  

I know there are thousands of stories just like mine out there, so I decided to create a new blog.  One just for my more private thoughts and issues.  One day I may have the courage to put it out there for all to see, but for now I will not broadcast it as I do my other blog.  I realize that anything published to the web is accessible, and I am risking having this blog read by someone I would have rather not known, but this is a journey that so many others are on, I can’t help but to share.....  I hope that through blogging I can help not only myself, but others as well.